just... about two weeks more. then i can work on going back to becoming a normal person. or half of one. whichever works.
SAVVVVVIIII. DO YOUR BEST! TT ^ TT
every time i actually dare to stop and look at ourself, i think we are further and further from being a normal human. y'know how i said before, that i don't remember how we were like in primary school (7 to 12 years old)? about having chunks of missing memory from that period.
right now, as i am nearing graduation from university, our subconscious is doing the same thing to our secondary school (13 to 16 years old) memories. it probably decided that since that was old stuff, it is a waste of space and BZZZT! DELETE. as a result, i no longer remember how our secondary school life was like, the things that happen with my secondary school friends etc. even though we have still been in contact, i don't remember our friendship anymore. now, when they msg us, i feel as though it is strangers who are talking to me.
=.= sigh. this wasn't a problem earlier because we don't have friends from primary school. but we have friends from secondary school. and if we ignore them it is kind of mean of us, since they did go through secondary school with us, even if we remember jackshit. i'll probably have to go out with them and try to relearn and reknow and refriend them again.
martia is like a terrible josei manga protag that no one wants to read about.
Today, I had a little heated argument with my father. This reminded me how much I hate my old man, "hate" just don't explain it or even says what I want.
So, I'm in a foul mood all day. Shame.
Other than that, I tried drawing. Nothing is coming out the way I want it to.
Life is kind of weird now. So i've finished junior college and currently serving national service, i'm two-and-a-half months into basic military training. (I have to do four months in total because i failed my NAPFA test) Let's just say that i want this phase of my life to be over quick because honestly now, me in a military setting is just weird
like
did i really just fire a rifle
do i really have to throw a grenade
i honestly have trouble wrapping my head around the reality of the things i do here
But anyway, things to be happy about: I applied for and got accepted into NUS faculty of arts and social sciences, yay. I'll only actually be enrolling in 2015 though. bummer.
the once-a-while martia talking about life in a shitty josei manga.
we are on antidepressants. (at first it was antipsychotics, which didn't quite work out.) the antidepressants are honestly quite effective, the suicidal tendencies are almost completely curbed. but they also had the effect of nerfing our imagination.
we have been having lots of normal people dreams, and no more epic story dreams. i missed those. if we stop taking the medicine for a day, we may get those dreams again. but the dysphoria that comes later is pretty gross to deal with.
basically, it is a blue or red pill situation for us. take antidepressants: be calm, have a good rest, and a boring brain. stop the drug: be able to dream and draw, meanwhile do a lot of things that are bad for ourself. can't have cake and eat it.
and there, one of the reasons we don't work in the field we were trained in. art abilities far too dependant on the mercurial cerebral chemicals.
